Wow... today I experienced a crash-n-burn-in-a-glorious-fireball-complete-with-explosions-and-flames type of breakdown. :D I crack myself up, but, seriously, it was bizzare! I had spent Wednesday night small group deep in thought which continued into this morning. I was trying to understand why, when I've been much more faithful in reading the Word and prayer, I was still frustrated with choices I was making. How could I seemingly be growing, yet still clinging to finding happiness for myself? Where's the balance between wanting to have fun and hanging with friends (comfortable) and reaching out to kids who could use a Godly example (out of the box)? This morning I read 1 Peter again and was reading MacArthur's notes on Peter's life. Something really tore my heart. According to tradition, right before Peter was crucified upside-down, he had to watch his wife be crucified. What did he do? He didn't get angry, fight the guards, cry bitterly... he said three simple, yet utterly powerful words... "Remember the Lord." I couldn't believe the beauty of the Holy Spirit's work- a man is watching his love perish in a very painful way, yet he finds comfort in knowing his home is not here. She was finally going home. I was talking with Kim much of the morning discussing our future responsibilities and how amazingly close adulthood is to us. Our eyes were opened to the sad departure of our world and even "Christians" from God's purpose for relationships. Like I've mentioned before, people these days have everything backwards. They make relationships all about them and what they can get out of it- it's so selfish! A book Kim is reading made an excellent point: (In a relationship, whether friend or "romantic") Everything you do and say should be motivated by the purpose of helping the other person become more like Christ. THEN I started thinking about becoming a wife someday (Man my friends and I keep thinking about it!) and how completely unprepared I am! I'm way too selfish and emotionally unstable ;)! I want to be ready to serve my husband completely and help him along in his spiritual walk. I need to be able to put God first now and always before I can even begin thinking about a relationship! It's hard when so many young women have a desire in their hearts for a earthly protector who will love and take care of them. But, if we can't submit to our Father and father now...? What kind of helper will we be? The tears just came all of a sudden in choir as I felt so helpless and unworthy of God. I can't love the one who saved my soul and forgave my disgusting sins?? How pathetic! As I bolted from the classroom (my unfortunate habit of wanting to get away) and sprinted to the gym parking lot, my heart sank. Here I was, once again (granted it doesnt happen often, but still) in despair. Trying to find God when I knew He was there if I only would trust Him and reach out. As Mrs. Frisk reminded me later, Satan is always trying to remind us how we fail and fall short. The mistake? Focusing on myself once again. Ok, so I realize I'm not giving Him my heart completely and I'm not being wise about preparing my heart for being a Godly woman and wife. So... turn back to God! I must pray, pray, pray, and trust He will see me through! A song I have been praying lately really fits:
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy fallsI raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
Chorus:I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember whenI stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Repeat
Chorus
