Wow... today I experienced a crash-n-burn-in-a-glorious-fireball-complete-with-explosions-and-flames type of breakdown. :D I crack myself up, but, seriously, it was bizzare! I had spent Wednesday night small group deep in thought which continued into this morning. I was trying to understand why, when I've been much more faithful in reading the Word and prayer, I was still frustrated with choices I was making. How could I seemingly be growing, yet still clinging to finding happiness for myself? Where's the balance between wanting to have fun and hanging with friends (comfortable) and reaching out to kids who could use a Godly example (out of the box)? This morning I read 1 Peter again and was reading MacArthur's notes on Peter's life. Something really tore my heart. According to tradition, right before Peter was crucified upside-down, he had to watch his wife be crucified. What did he do? He didn't get angry, fight the guards, cry bitterly... he said three simple, yet utterly powerful words... "Remember the Lord." I couldn't believe the beauty of the Holy Spirit's work- a man is watching his love perish in a very painful way, yet he finds comfort in knowing his home is not here. She was finally going home. I was talking with Kim much of the morning discussing our future responsibilities and how amazingly close adulthood is to us. Our eyes were opened to the sad departure of our world and even "Christians" from God's purpose for relationships. Like I've mentioned before, people these days have everything backwards. They make relationships all about them and what they can get out of it- it's so selfish! A book Kim is reading made an excellent point: (In a relationship, whether friend or "romantic") Everything you do and say should be motivated by the purpose of helping the other person become more like Christ. THEN I started thinking about becoming a wife someday (Man my friends and I keep thinking about it!) and how completely unprepared I am! I'm way too selfish and emotionally unstable ;)! I want to be ready to serve my husband completely and help him along in his spiritual walk. I need to be able to put God first now and always before I can even begin thinking about a relationship! It's hard when so many young women have a desire in their hearts for a earthly protector who will love and take care of them. But, if we can't submit to our Father and father now...? What kind of helper will we be? The tears just came all of a sudden in choir as I felt so helpless and unworthy of God. I can't love the one who saved my soul and forgave my disgusting sins?? How pathetic! As I bolted from the classroom (my unfortunate habit of wanting to get away) and sprinted to the gym parking lot, my heart sank. Here I was, once again (granted it doesnt happen often, but still) in despair. Trying to find God when I knew He was there if I only would trust Him and reach out. As Mrs. Frisk reminded me later, Satan is always trying to remind us how we fail and fall short. The mistake? Focusing on myself once again. Ok, so I realize I'm not giving Him my heart completely and I'm not being wise about preparing my heart for being a Godly woman and wife. So... turn back to God! I must pray, pray, pray, and trust He will see me through! A song I have been praying lately really fits:
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy fallsI raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
Chorus:I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember whenI stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Repeat
Chorus
6 comments:
When I drove by it looked like it was at least a fun breakdown, for as much fun as a breakdown could be ;-). Thanks for sharing your heart. I will be praying.
This is one of the most encouraging posts I think I've read. It has put my mind in perspective and reminded me of how to praise God through the hardships and trials even when they are still happening. I really appreciate it Spence.
And I would love to find out who sings that song and where I could get it.
Tk - the song is by Casting Crowns - Lifesong, I think.
Natalie - thank you for sharing your heart - I'm glad to know other people have breakdowns at random times in odd locations :). I so encourage you to keep fighting to serve and love others (and it is a fight!). I've often felt the same - why, when I'm in the Word and fellowship, do I struggle so much? Well, Satan leaves us alone when we're doing what he wants. I figure if the fight is hard and exhausting, then I'm probably headed in the right direction (unless God is 2x4ing me - but that's usually obvious). Don't worry Natalie, HE will make you into the ideal helpmate for some lucky young man - and no matter how much you grow or how selfless you become, I don't think anyone is ever "ready" for marriage :o). Marriage itself sharpens and 'irritates' in many, many ways. :)
Thanks for the comments, all, I really appreciate the encouragement from you!
It is Casting Crowns but it's actually called Praise You in This Storm. Lifesong's great, too though! :D Thanks, Leila!
That was and is very encouraging. I did not know that Peter's wife was crucified, too. You are really an amazing person and role model.
You've got some great thoughts going. I think it's a struggle for all of us to think of the other person! And painful for all of us to think how we have any room for improvement at all, let alone maybe (in my case) more than a smidgen...okay, a lot more than a smidgen! I agree with Leila, perhaps no one's ever ready for marriage--and I'll add to that parenthood--or homeownership--that's just why we need God at the center, no? With God all things are possible.
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